13. Running To Stand Still

For much of my life, I have spent it running, running, running... mostly toward my next goal, next ambition, my next achievement. Whether it is the purchase of a home, the next job promotion, or another higher teritary education qualification, I have been striving, striving, striving!

But in the midst of the running and striving, I always felt this emptiness, an underwhelment in having supposedly 'successfully' achieved that next 'thing'! That sense of 'Is That It?' enveloped me, of disappointment, of expecting something more euphoric to radiate my being. That sense of euphoria never really eventuated.

I would endeavour to fill that climactic void by finding another mission to commit to and focus on. Looking back, I wonder whether it was my addictive nature shining through, and what was I truly running from, rather than running to?

Around 6 months prior to being diagnosed with Motor Neurone Disease, I was reflecting on my life, and felt, being aged in my mid-40s, had actually achieved very little of substance in life. I felt I was running out of time to achieve that something that would leave a mark on humanity.

I've often pondered whether it is instinctually human nature embedded in our DNA to strive and evolve, or whether it is pure unadulterated egotism that pushes us to feel the desire to leave our unique stamp on this life? I suspect it is a combination of the two!...

,.. and then, 'SMASH'! I crashed into the mother of all brick walls. I had effectively run to stand still!...diagnosed with a terminal disease.

Several years on, I have now literally stopped running, and cannot walk, or even crawl. And in the words of Bono, I must now "... talk without speaking, and scream without raising [my] voice..."

But through this macabre twist of fate, today, I am more centred, more content, and unexpectedly better fulfilled - not so much from a physical perspective, but moreso mentally, emotionally, and, dare I say, spiritually.

My search and hunger for fulfilment is no longer found in terms of seeking 'without', of grasping for external gratification, or accumulating meaningless artifacts or so-called prized possessions.

Since my slow down to a standstill, I have discovered an extraordinary heightened level of piercing clarity - more of those 'Ah-ha' moments. Despite my perceived physical limitations, I feel expanded. I see the world so much more clearly now, and I am more in touch with who I am. My mind is less cluttered, my heart less weighted.

I see the connectiveness in all of life, of all life forms. We just don't live on the earth, we are the earth; we aren't just part of the universe, we are the universe; and we are not a separate entity from God, we are one with the source of God.

In being connected, we need to live more from a space of cooperation, not just competition. When we hurt others, you only hurt yourself. Be kind to yourself and to others in your life, and you will live in greater harmony within and outside of yourself...

... And today, science is actually proving what past spiritual masters already knew since the beginning of time - that we are all one eternal interconnected life force. Separation is indeed...an illusion...a myth!